People pleasing is a term used to describe how we deny our own truth in favour of others, in order to be liked. However it relates to so much more. Essentially it reflects our relationship with our Truth, Voice & Power of Communication.
Here are some of the symptoms:
- Inability to say No to others
- Feeling resentment after a decision has been made
- Over-giving (then feeling resentment)
- Saying Yes to everything !
- Deep fear of Conflict
- Fear of Being Different
- Fear of Loss, Abandonment, Rejection
- Expecting negative scenarios (leading to immense pressure on doing the right thing for fear of the wrong thing)
- Fear of making wrong choices
- Over-emphasis of what others think
- Lack of trust in self (need others to check that we’re doing the right thing)
- Swinging between overly strong boundaries (iron clad shields) to zero boundaries (soft bunny yes to everything)
- Fear of taking risks
- Fear of failure
- Fear of criticism
- Fear of success (“what others will think when I do better than them”)
- Excessive need for Validation
- Inability to be real, authentic with those close (for fear of them seeing any other side we do not reveal)
- Fear of Being Vulnerable
- Focus on Regrets (for not saying, doing, acting in the ways wanted)
- Passive Aggression (projecting pent up anger onto others disproportionately)
- Extreme Fatigue (from Over-giving, not understanding how to look after one self)
- Extreme Focus on Others (observing others, getting too involved in their realities)
If you answered yes to some or all of these, you’re not alone. I have had this play in and out through my whole life.
And Yes it’s a big list! Of course many other elements also lead to the symptoms above. Yet what has been labelled as people pleasing certainly contributes to a huge aspect of this.
Yet ‘people pleasing’ is also a term that we can become ashamed of because of the way it sounds. As if it is being done on purpose or more crudely referred to as ‘being fake’.
Yet it is actually a very innocent thing to want to be liked.
Especially when we understand the background…
Psychological studies show that when children and adolescents do not receive consistent love, then because that source of love is threatened, it is sought externally.
In other words, if a parental figure fluctuates wildly with their affection / doesn’t give it at all / or to the level that the child needs; then the child seeks it elsewhere.
This creates the foundation of attachments.
This will differ for each child of course, depending upon their birth personality.
Those more sensitive usually require affection and support as they try to navigate a world with their far more open senses.
Their priority is a need to feel safe and the quickest and most logical way to feel safe with others – is to feel accepted by them. The quickest way to be accepted – is to agree with others.
Another element is if there was conflict in the home – or if conflicting emotions (especially anger) aren’t allowed or discussed with a child.
Again the child may choose to discover the safest environment to exist in & seeks those that are devoid of conflict. The quickest way again – is to agree to be accepted, to avoid any possibility of conflict.
This isn’t to vilify the parents. Everyone is learning. And all is designed for our Earth journey and Awakening. Yet it shows a lineage of golden nuggets waiting to be uncovered through our journey…if we can allow them to show us their treasures.
Another element is also a Tribe mentality playing out.
This is ancient.
We all on some level want to belong to a tribe.
Tribes maintain their cohesion by having group agreements (or there is internal conflict).
When we agree with others on a group level…
We are welcomed in to the Tribe. The Tribe is sustained.
Depending on our relationship with our own sense of personal power, we then usually defer to the Tribe’s views (Group Thinking).
So how do we heal all of this?
There are many, many ways and angles to look at this. Here I’m going to share just one fundamental energy that runs through it.
At the core of it, let’s look at one of the polar opposites of people pleasing:
Authenticity is an incredible ‘concept’ that can liberate us from this cycle.
It is both a noun and a verb in a way because it invites us to change our very way of being, lifestyle, the way we see the world & how we communicate.
Yet it is also important to recognise that our programming has reinforced our own Ego to become dominant in a way of assuming most things are about us. The Ego here has (on the other extreme) being extra attuned to everything we do because we assume all others are extra attuned to our own life. This isn’t to say it is egoic. It is to recognise that we need to do Shadow work around our Ego and not assume we are a victim here, as this is a downward spiral into disowning the very thing we are seeking – our power.
This becomes more relevant as we learn how to integrate Authenticity into our life. It is very common for there to be a polarised swing at first when we attempt to consciously Communicate, be Real and honour Power. Here we take the charge of the dynamic with us.
What is this charge? – Polarising to Other Extreme
When we first try to reclaim our voice, power or truth, we can often go to the other extreme and feel that we have to aggressively stand our ground or dominantly state our voice. This is natural because we are moving from one distorted polarity to the exact opposite distortion. This is actually done out of fear because we are still threatened about losing our power, voice, truth, hence the aggressive defensiveness.
In many cases this may be the only way we initially learn. However its important we recognise this or we will simply be locked in the same frequency, just on the other side. We will keep attracting experiences that reflect that charged frequency (aggressiveness/defensiveness)
And these are some of the consequences of polarising to the other extreme:
- Intimacy issues (enforcing too strong shields so no one can get in)
- Resentment turns towards anyone (projection increases)
- Need to prove oneself through dominance (in an effort to show everyone our power)
- Need to prove oneself through preaching (in effort to show everyone our voice)
- Shadow blaming others for being who we used to be (feeling triggered by those who are ‘fake’ because we still haven’t come to terms that we still carry this energy, like all others)
- Unconsciously seeking conflict, through drama, to display our power (to ourselves)
Sometimes even the phrases we use can carry underlying themes if we’re unaware. E.g. the phrase to Take Your Power Back can be misunderstood. It sometimes still proclaims that someone else has it. Subsequently leading us to believe we need to take it back from them i.e. aggressively/defensively.
Perhaps we are all learning to be who we are, in all moments.
When we take the stance of continual learning, there is no pressure to be someone or somewhere, Now.
Here we actually honour the process of our learning. It takes Time.
Therefore, taking Time to process what we are feeling is Essential. Time to reconnect & even discover who we truly are & have become.
This time allows us to shift from a reactionary space towards a heart space.
It literally takes the charge out, so we can see more clearly.
This involves taking ownership of our emotions, learning how to channel them.
Learning how and where to channel our resentment, anger, feelings of injustice out is key because otherwise it will always hold us back.
We are all reclaiming our Voice from within during these times.
Your Voice is your Truth.
It carries the frequency of Who You Are.
It radiates what you truly want, need, care about
It is absolutely loyal to your own emotions & soul’s desires.
It is also – interconnected with Universal Truth.
Whilst being loyal to who you are, it beautifully serves all.
Benefits of Authentic Communication, Reclaiming Your Voice & Truth
When we integrate our Voice, Truth & Power of Communication we can experience the following:
What happens when we do?
- Cultivate Healthy Relationships
- Discover who we really are (as we allow our authentic voice to flourish)
- Our path becomes clearer and clearer (as our truth is intrinsically connected to our path)
- Become empowered from a heart space, knowing our potential truly is limitless
- Carry far less on our shoulders
- Less affected by others (often read as extreme sensitivity)
- Cultivate more independence
- Dissolve our shields preventing others from coming into our world
- Open our hearts to love (and receive)
- Honour our own Path
- Thrive on being Vulnerable
- Honour Flaws and Celebrate them openly
- Disengage from Group Thinking (Tribe Mentality)
- Do not need to aggressively/defensively enforce our boundaries, they are naturally established from a place of inner power & love.
- Forge our own Path – thus aligning to what our Soul truly wants
- Become open to vast new ideas
- Become less afraid of Being Seen in the world
- Desire to Open up and be transparent, authentic, real with ourselves and others
Here our Light has far less filters to blaze through.
To begin this process is really to begin cultivating Authentic Communication.
First with yourself.
Begin by understanding what your feelings are, right now. To do this, you need Time away from distractions (others, social media, influences). You may need to walk in nature for 2-3 hours before you can even begin to hear your own thoughts and feelings. This allows a detangling of our emotions with others.
Then begin the Inquiry.
- What do you truly want?
- What is calling you?
- What are you not allowing yourself to do?
- What are you doing because you think it will make you liked more?
- What are doing because you think others expect more of the same?
- What do you want – regardless of how any single human being thinks?
- Where are you being influenced?
- What is the difference between your fears/resistance and your soul’s desires?
- Who do you need to talk to, to communicate something that you have held within? And how do you do this in a heart-centered way?
- How can you release your pent-up emotions without denying them?
- Can you forgive yourself for needing validation?
- How can you own your reality? (Your actions)
These are continual questions, yet they begin an authentic dialogue within.
A lot of this involves personal spiritual growth work and healing. I use reflective shadow work (via writing) and multidimensional healing (my transmissions/activations). You may have your own ways, use them.
If you are doing your Lightwork it is essential to continually heal this element. People pleasing creates a glass ceiling for how many people we can interact and work with. If we have to please everyone to a certain degree then it exhausts us to not be able to give to others – because we can’t handle more.
As you cultivate this energy of self empowering authentic communication, you will see just how much it brings positive change into your life. It literally changes every conversation.
Authenticity is our liberation.
Free Yourself, Love Yourself.
For those of you who wish to work with Your Voice, Truth, Power and more in deeper ways, in relation to your Life Purpose, Work and Path – explore Lightworkers Rise. Currently 75% off: https://vazsriharan.podia.com/3e1d1bd5-15ea-49f5-a2fe-d47a26155cae?coupon=7VP3WOV
Vaz works as a Spiritual Guide, Lightworker Trainer & Mentor devoted to exploring consciousness.
Vaz is a former London Cityworker who transformed his life from over 15 years of intense depression. Being open to spiritual truth & philosophy since a young age, Vaz explored many paths to help him emerge from his experiences. Over time, spiritual growth, study and experience Vaz healed enough of his darkness into powerful strengths & has dedicated his life to the spiritual path ever since. Today he uses these tools, techniques to assist many others to open up to their Divinity, Empowerment and Love. Vaz founded the London College of Spirituality, Divine I AM Transmissions & the Trailblazer Academy.