18 years ago this November, I came out of the most intense period of my life. A “depression” that lasted 15 years of battling daily suicidal thoughts and actual attempts.
Although I was aware spiritually since birth, this became part of the problem. Born into a world that didn’t seem to be. Unable to communicate what I was seeing, feeling, experiencing. And throughout all this, an extreme unworthiness crippling every moment. Believing I could never be loved. That I would never amount to anything.
Yet, I held on. Something kept me going. An inner knowing, no matter how small, of the importance of this time and of all soul’s paths.
The word Depression doesn’t do this time justice. For me it was hell, lost in an ever deepening well with no ropes to climb up. A place of indescribable turmoil…Yet it demanded something else.
It demanded me to RISE.
I came to a point in my life where I realised, I have no choice. I can’t keep destroying my soul in this way. Through alcohol, drugs, yes, yet the most destructive was the intense negative self talk…all of which was wounding my soul with every stroke. I had a million whiplashes at my own hand.
No matter how many healers I went to, it didn’t seem to provide liberation. And at the last point, 15 yrs into it, I realised why.
I hadn’t fully committed.
I thought I had nothing left, like the story of Job, God had seemingly taken everything.
Yet I was being asked to surrender something else. Something I never considered.
My free will
And with this, the last element of control which I thought was keeping me alive
As I surrendered to what felt like ultimate despair, a gentle super soft force came over me and showed what I had to do.
I had to Commit to this new life I so desperately wanted
A workshop, even every week, wasn’t going to save me. It wasn’t enough.
I had to do the work.
So I did. Every day. For 8 months, morning, afternoon and night. Writing. Healing. Affirmations. Shadow work. Exercise.
And I had help, which was pivotal. A White Witch, believe it or not, supported me for 6 months with affirmative encouragement. A form of Coaching essentially
I got rid of my phone. Went insular for almost a year.
A long story short, as many other elements were involved – on a brisk sunny day in November 2002 I walked the streets of London and I felt it. I remember the day so clearly.
I stopped and realised, it had happened. Somehow I was free. The first moment since early childhood I felt happiness / peace swelling inside, and staying
Sure the voices were still there, yet the volume was way lower. I felt happy. Confident even. And it was growing
My life began as a naive hyper sensitive soul.
My life demanded a heart centred Warrior.
And so for the next 15 years I worked to develop this, and to help others. As what seems to happen for those who emerge from deep trauma. A natural desire to lift others out of theirs.
No matter how dark the room, there is always a light.
No matter how deep you have dug your hole, there is always a way out.
Today I feel immensely blessed to be in a loving relationship, living my soul’s passion, support of my loving family, and guiding people around the world to awaken their inner love. Sure life has its ups and downs, and I have a lot of stuff I work on, yet in my wildest dreams I had hoped for such a life. It felt a fantasy back then. It’s actually happening.
Today I realise my scars are my most treasured reminder that my intrepid soul chose to face God’s greatest challenge for me. Which is why it is and will always be my single greatest achievement.
For me, there are two ways to change our life.
Trauma or Choice
Trauma creates the intensified conditions to rise up to a challenge, in order to Change.
Choice creates the challenge so you don’t need the trauma, in order to Change
Choose the latter. Trauma can occur yet we can pre-empt it. When you commit to what you truly want, when you challenge yourself to rise up to it, when you seek support, it will always happen with perseverance.
Freedom! The Life you want. It’s yours for the taking
This is also an energetic shout out to all those waiting for their own liberation 🙏🏽 You may think you’re alone, yet I think about you every day 💞
Big love, Vaz